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Dwell

August 10, 2006

I find it rather funny that I wake up at 4am. Not funny haha but odd. Sleep has eluded me much of my life. My poor mother used to say, in a really tired voice, “she doesn’t require much sleep.” I know now that was her nice way of saying, Shari bounces off the walls. I am much more mature now…ok, older, and I don’t really bounce off the walls, but my mind always seems to be running. Like I woke up at four, mid dream, thinking about stuff. Some important stuff, like enrolling Katie in college, and unimportant stuff like dental floss, I need to get more. So since I left MLH I have been sleeping like a rock. Not just 8 hours a day like most people, but 10-12 hours a day, like a hibernating brown bear. I guess those days are over. I feel caught up, rested. But it is more than that. I dwell again. I used to have a reat deal of confidence, probably to the point of arrogance, in the way I was. But after leaving Meadowlark that confidence was shot. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I was no longer the confident leader but one of the ones who couldn’t make it, who couldn’t live the life required to be a servant leader at Meadowlark Hills. You may be thinking, it was just a job and you would be right. But in my mind it was my identity. And leaving meant failing. I had family members who knew I loved their residents, one of them was one of my best friends. I felt like I failed them, gave up on a responsibility and dissappointed them. And now I know it was a facade. I am dwelling somewhere else now. I work at another job and I enjoy it, but my career is elsewhere. My focus is changing. I intend to dwell in the house of the Lord. Salvation isn’t just an after you die thing. Salvation is now. I don’t know what exactly that means, but I invite you along for the journey, as much of it as I can share, anyway.

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3 comments

  1. Nice. Very nice.

    The question I’ve asked is: WHAT am I saved from?

    And the Bible tells me that I am saved from loneliness, from abandonment, from worry, from fear, from anxiety, from my own plans, from my own sins, and the seperation from God those sins cause.

    I am saved from death. I am saved from myself.

    I am saved.

    Brian McLaren’s Generous Orthodoxy has a great chapter called, “Jesus, Savior of what?” that’s quite excellent.


  2. good thoughts. Keep dwelling, and being, and letting God be all of the things you can’t control.

    You didn’t fail. You did your job well and passionately while you were there. Obvious in reading. Thanks for being “all there”, wherever you are.


  3. If that was me you were talking about, you definitely didn’t fail me. Or Posy. Or Becky. We love you no matter what and we’re so thankful that you were there for such a long time, taking fabulous care of Grandpa. You know the Brown’s will always love you!



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